OpenEntrance - What’s Really Going OnWhat’s Really Going On

Mary Harpring* would like to get married, but she’s not finding many prospects.

“I’m single, and I’ve been looking, but I haven’t really found the guy I’m looking for,” says the 31-year old Program Director for a Columbus company. “There aren’t many men out there on the same wavelength as women as far as pursuing a career and buying a condo,” she reports. “It’s challenging.”

It’s a complaint many women - and men - her age share, but as a successful woman, Harpring finds herself in a group that, statistically, struggles to find love. While many women like Harper find the man of their dreams, increasing numbers of professional women say they are having a hard time finding men who have made comparable achievements in their careers. As a result, many are staying single.

The number of never-married women increased five-fold in the last 50 years, jumping from 1.2 million in 1950 to 5.7 million in 1998, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. Today, nearly half (47 percent) of black women in the 30-to-34 age range have never married, compared with 10 percent of white women.

“We’re right under their noses, if they bother to take a closer look away from the thugs, men flashing money, etc.,” says 34 year old Aaron Stall.* “They [women] say that we are hard to find, but it has been hard for us to find them. We’re all over the place, and looking. But it’s saddening that almost every time we think we found someone, we find that we have to back away because the sister has issues from listening to and heeding, stereotypes that could damage the relationship and any family structure that we want to build; or make us feel as though we aren‘t qualified because they are more interested in how much money we make, how many expensive material possessions we own, or how much education we have. Where‘s the focus on our personal character? ”

Are educated, professional, upwardly mobile women asking for too much and finding too little? What do successful Black women really want? Veronica Chambers
Author of HAVING IT ALL? Black Women and Success states, “The universal element is that black women, like white women, want it all: a fulfilling career, a loving relationship, kids and economic prosperity. This may seem obvious, but it’s not. A generation ago, black women were considered to be at the bottom of the totem pole, behind black men, behind white women. Now, we are going after the same quality of life, but we come to the table with very different skills and life experiences. I think what most black women feel is that while we are similar to white women in wanting to have it all, we don’t have the same sense of entitlement. We expect that it’s going to be hard. And we expect that in juggling so much, sometimes, we’ll have to rob from Peter to pay Paul. In other words, we don’t expect that we can give 100% to our jobs, our families and our partners all of the time.” Relationship issues are further complicated when layered with issues of money; who makes more of it and what that does to the “power dynamic” within a couple’s interaction. In the past decade, the number of black families earning more than $100,000 doubled from 220,000 to more than 415,000. That translates into real power and real choices for today’s black woman.

African-Americans have been bombarded with negative messages about the outlook for black couples. The Washington Post fronted a weekend “Outlook” section with the headline “Marriage Is for White People,” and there are many books with titles such as Black and Single. The Joint Center for Political and Economic Studies in Washington says the percentage of black women who’ve never married has more than doubled between 1950 and 2004.

“If you internalize that, you will enter a relationship where you are doing everything or putting up with anything just to have someone,” says LaDawn Black, a Baltimore-based author and radio host. Her show deals with relationships between men and women. She says things aren’t as bad out there as one might think.

“Don’t believe it,” Black says, “because if you look around, you have friends having successful relationships.” UCLA professor and sex therapist Gail Wyatt agrees. She says men and women have to stop allowing outdated concepts -– and media-driven angst -– to divide them. “Our strength is in our ability to stand together,” Wyatt says. “I don’t care if a black man marries a black woman or not. I care if we support each other and don’t buy into myths that make us look like and live like stereotypes.” There’s no quick fix for the issues between men and women, Wyatt says, but she believes they can be solved.

If one accepts the opinion that the “male-female-relationship glass,” is half full and that there is someone out there for everyone, then where can good brother or sister find these so-called good catches that everyone else– from family to friends– seem to have on their arms?

Her are some helpful hints:

· Be assertive; If you want to find someone, you are going to have to get uncomfortable. Remember you have what you have in life because you have done what you have done in life. That is a quirky way of saying that you don’t have someone because of the pattern that you have chosen to engage in when it comes to finding someone. Change your routine. Go somewhere different for dinner or lunch. Find new hobbies besides the ones that you have had all of your life. Once you’ve gone someplace new, and tried something different, talk to people. Be approachable, people can tell when someone is open to a conversation. You never know where that might lead.

· Let your boys (or your girls) know that you’re looking; This may seem to be a simple piece of advice, but many times those closest to us are the ones from whom we keep the desires of our hearts for fear of… whatever! Let your close friends and family know that you are “in the market and on the market” for the right person. Ask them to introduce you to the friends of their significant others. If you know of someone who has a great girlfriend of boyfriend, ask that person to introduce you to their partner’s friends. Remember birds of a feather… If your best girlfriend has a boyfriend whom you all “swoon” over because he is so “together” and treats your friend so well, then ask your friend if her man has any friends like him. Remember you need to get uncomfortable if you want a relationship. You may be fearful that you will sound desperate if you ask such a personal question, but what have you got to loose? Can you be any more single than you are right now?

· Take better care of you; Have you ever noticed how your car seems to run better once you’ve gotten it washed and waxed, the inside vacuumed out, debris and clutter removed, with a new air freshener hanging from the rear-view mirror? The same principle applies to you! You’ve been telling yourself that you’ve wanted to change hairstyles, loose a few pounds or start working out at the gym. Do it! You will be amazed how feeling good about yourself makes you attractive to others. Also doing one of, or all of, these things will alter your current physical appearance. You never know, that may be just enough to attract that man or woman who passes you every day from Starbucks on your way into work. It may be just enough to turn his or her heard, and cause that person to engage you in a conversation. Whatever the outcome, it can’t hurt. Feeling good about ones self is never a bad thing—relationship hunting or not.

All of these suggestions are built on one underlying belief that anyone looking for a relationship has to have; the idea that there is someone out there made especially for you. Believing is half the battle… now get out there and fight!